The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You Might Also Like
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
The struggle is real.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.