Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
You Might Also Like
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”