IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.