Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Spider-cat: No One Home
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Fight
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err