Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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wtf management?!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.