idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.