Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
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Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.