Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
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[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Oh the world we live in…
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?