@CalebTenenbaum: If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I'm on to something...
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@ruinedpicnic: [Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Whatcha doing on the PC? Daughter: Looking at peckers. M: WHAT?!? D: Science project on chickens. M: Oh. D: You walked RIGHT into that.
@AnkCoupleTO: *84th flr* CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up? M: Heard Van Halen's "Jump"? CW: Sure! Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down