If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
nobody’s gonna understand
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago