If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.