I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!