[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”