If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.