If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Happy Febuary everyone!
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.