If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
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*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Rt to bother an English speaker
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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