If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”