@LizHackett: If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend's band's show.
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@usermcuserface: Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave M: I can't believe they went off the registry. J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.
@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@deardilettante: The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
@TitansHomer: Criminal Tip: Buy a gun from a guy off the streets. As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back. Free gun.