If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.