“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me recordaron éste meme
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.