@tigersgoroooar: If a boy put rose petals all over my bed I’d be like you’re cleaning this up I’m not cleaning this up
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@ElgatoEsmio: [DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff
@Vodkantots: So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse? Flattery is hard.
@direlog: i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved