can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
You Might Also Like
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.