If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.