If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry