@rdm_guy: If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
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@MrEmilyHeller: Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
@murrman5: [helping son prepare for first date] "what if she doesn't like it" *stuffing handkerchiefs up son's sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
@iscoff: TEACHER: please take off your hat in class *I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat* ME: I can do this 14 more times