If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
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I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
BETRAYAL
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.