If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
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“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?