[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
They’re not wrong
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR