If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
You Might Also Like
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?