If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.