*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Practicing safe sax
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend