Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Batman v Dracula
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Van Gone
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.