Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Ghost costume 😂
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.