I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
i’m sure it’s fine
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.