@AristotlesNZ: If a cop is at the door when I answer, I yell into the house "Anyone order a stripper?" then say "Sorry, wrong house" & slam the door shut.
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@flukyness: I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I'm doing at life
@LoveNLunchmeat: If I ever get a Roomba, I'm gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
@crushingbort: #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot
@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.