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All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.