* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.