if a cop pulls u over play dead
You Might Also Like
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.