If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
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Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Hello Twits.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said