@GrantTanaka: If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
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@EndhooS: [Calls boss] I won't be in today "Why not?" [camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car] I've got the shits.
@LeviathanPride: Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.
@meganamram: Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies