If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.