If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I just ran a .003048K
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I feel it
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh