If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Wednesday
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.