@longwall26: If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you'll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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@JoshVeyssi: McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.
@QwertyJones3: [speed dating] I enjoy gardening. I've got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
@Tmoney68: [At microphone] *clears throat* "Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap." *crowd cheers* "Thanks for attending my dance recital."
@squirrel74wkgn: [crumpled up paper on floor] *tries to flip it up like hacky sack* *tries to flip it up...* *tries to flip...* *tries...* *leaves it*