If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”