If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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Monday
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
This is amazing.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”