@omgthatspunny: If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."
@ashmensch: *steps on Lego* *stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos* *throws all Legos away* *Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
@El_nacho_Nigre: "Gotta wake up early" *sets alarm for 5am* *wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm* *goes back to sleep*