@omgthatspunny: If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
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@GeriatricBeards: [Being kidnapped] Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome kidnapper: its been 10 minutes me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
@Sal0630: Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
@LoveNLunchmeat: Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid's Halloween candy; that's how you prevent cavities.