Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
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The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”