@omgthatspunny: If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
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@SoulYodeler: Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
@DurtMcHurtt: The guy I cheat off moved seats before today's spelling test, like he's teaching me some kind of lessen.
@Underchilde: A friend asked how I’d describe a hot air balloon, and I just told him it’s a lot like my ex, but with a basket.
@garrydavenport: "It's 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything" - cats