@DothTheDoth: If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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@EyeSeeYou619: [country music plays in elevator] ME: I hate Toby Keith HIM: This isn't Toby Keith ME:(leans into his face) I don't give a shit who this is
@rhysjamesy: Bae: come over Me: I can't, I'm hanging out with your parents. Bae: my parents aren't home. Me: I know. I just... You never listen Susan.
@upsidedowntrash: WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene? ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?