one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY