Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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I don’t make the rules sorry
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Is this a threat?
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Happy Febuary everyone!
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs