[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
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Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Cha-ching is my safe word
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.