I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
this is supposed to be an 18 year old