even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
this is 10/10 content no notes
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them