cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets