If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
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Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.