@ineedaballrub: If a duckling is a baby duck, I don't want to eat dumplings.
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time. So what if it was the wrong song? There's never a bad time for "We Will Rock You."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: "I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound" I thought fatly.
@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
@ManJuggs: The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.