Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Phonetics
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.